Control

Do you ever struggle with wanting to be in control? I know I do. More than ever after becoming a mom. I feel like I gained control over my own life just a few years ago. I finally wasn’t living in my parents house or in a college dorm room where I had to do what others told me. Yes, it seem there is always someone above you telling you what to do, but it felt like I had just broken away from not being able to be in control of my own surroundings. Then suddenly, we had our son. I wanted to control every little aspect of everything for him. What he was dressed in, what time he took his naps, when and what he ate, the temperature in his room, etc. I had/have control issues and they are through the roof sometimes. Let’s take the other day as an example.

My parents watched bubs for me so that I could have a day to get things done and just be alone for a bit. Some days I just need some alone time. It doesn’t happen often by any means, but it is nice when it does. Kind of. Kind of because I’m more of a control freak than I’d like to admit. I was really looking forward to my day alone and looking forward to having to worry too much about anyone but myself. It sounds selfish. I know it does. I’ve come to realize though that sometimes being selfish isn’t all bad. I get to have a reboot day. It happens maybe once a few months. Since being a mom is my full time job sometimes I just need a moment…or five hours to catch my breath. That is OK.

Anyway, bubs always goes down for his nap between 1-1:30. Naturally I’m wondering if he’s sleeping ok. I call and ask if everything is fine and he’s not asleep at 1:45. I’m honestly on the brink of a panic attack. I’m thinking I need to run home to get him to sleep because we have plans in the evening. If he doesn’t nap then the plans will be ruined because he will be so worn out. I can’t see past his nap and how he needs it. He’s at home with people he loves and that love him. Why is he not just relaxing and going to bed like normal?!?

Anyone else ever feel this way? It’s tough being a mom. It’s tough being a parent in general. I wanted to control what he was doing and how he was doing it. Finally at about three in the afternoon they went in and got him. My dad did say that he fell asleep on him but didn’t want to be put down. So maybe he got 45 minutes of a nap. Either way, it wasn’t his normal two hours. He was happy and healthy when I got home though. That should be enough, right?

Well, those plans I had mentioned, it was Halloween night. We were planning on trick-or-treating for the first time this year. I was giddy. He was a skunk and cute as ever. I didn’t think we would make it far, but I didn’t think he would lay down on the sidewalk like he was sleeping. He was done about 15 minutes into being outside. I was disappointed. I felt like I should have been at home for nap. I felt like I had failed him and our plan for a fun evening.

With a little time and a little relaxation though I realized that he is 21 months old and did the best he could. He was a sport and kept his costume on and took some pictures. He had gotten to have a fun day with his grandparents, of whom live out of town and don’t get to see him as often as they would like to. Thank goodness for FaceTime.

I’m trying to relax and be more flexible. I’m trying. For those of us that like to have things a certain way it is hard. Try with me if you find yourself in the same spot. Try to find the things that are worth worrying about and controlling and let the other things slide on by. Just know, I’m right there with you. Struggling to find the balance.

I’m praying that God would help me find the balance between what is important and what isn’t. I know He is in control anyway. I know this. For some reason, some days it doesn’t make it any easier though.

P.S. The holiday season can bring out the worst in everyone. We all have plans and expectations that may or may not be realistic. As we are headed into Thanksgiving try to enjoy it rather than stress about the little things. Try to relax a little. There is no way that everything will go according to plan. There isn’t anything wrong with a plan because it really can make everything go a little more smoothly, but give yourself and your family a little grace. The holidays are fun, but they come quickly and go by even more quickly. Don’t look back and wish that you had had a better attitude through it all. Chill out. Control less.

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